Grief | Winter 2019
Recently I was going through my old SD cards and clearing memory space and came across some photos that felt ghostly and cold. Because they were. These were taken the day after I spoke at my best friends funeral. I was 20. I decided to turn them into B&Ws. Why? Because it has been a journey learning how to grow from grief & it is a story worth sharing 3 years later.
I was working on my portfolio and needed new headshots for my website back in 2019. The day came and I had my mom snap a few of me but honestly not a single one came out “beautiful” or “smiley”. Now looking back I am grateful I have these because it is hard to put words into how I felt during those horribly bitter/cold weeks after Nate died. The photos speak for themselves. Grief is hard to capture unless its raw. The way grief takes the color out of your cheeks, chokes the laugh in your throat, shadows the smile from your eyes. The girl in these photos had her entire world broken. Life felt like a tea cup on the edge of a table, ready to fall at any given moment. Like the air in the room was completely sucked out and wouldn’t return. But, it eventually did.
Nate was my best friend since Freshman year of High School. He was beautiful. He was full of joy and color and laughter. My sweet friend, who I still remember tenderly today. The milestones in my life will always feel a little less lovely because Nate can’t be apart of them. When I got married I remember crying writing down his name and then setting it aside because he couldn’t be there. Same for my first apartment when I wanted him to come over for dinner. Nate’s my reminder to savor all the moments and be intentional and true. And writing this feels like a cathartic way to remember him after the last 3 years apart.
So don’t enjoy these photos expecting to see something beautiful or well composed. Because they aren’t. But they’re honest. Just see what grief looks like on a girl who lost someone she deeply loved. It has taken me 3 years to gain strength to publicly share my heart about Nate. If you or a friend is struggling with suicide, know that there will always be a hole left in the hearts of those who love you. Life is worth living and there are people who will help you. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Nate + Lauren, 2018
My forever friend.